some days i feel such a struggle within myself. i feel that i am stuck between two worlds always being pulled a little this way a little that way. i want to raise a happy successful child. yet my heart pulls me towards letting him be who he is and being patient and having faith. that is definitely where my heart leads me. but my mind cannot stop making comparisons. aargh. i have known from day one that this child is different that he has different needs than other kids. i have accepted that and yet i still find myself pushing things that i know just do not work for him. why do i do this? in some ways i guess i am hoping he is going to magically grow up and not need time and patience. why do i think this when i am still the same me that i have always been, older and wiser perhaps, but my personality has not changed. sometimes i seem to over come it with my little social tricks that i have learned and i am sure he will learn in time. i need to come back to being at peace with it. i usually do by the end of the day. i am thinking of unschooling too and letting him lead the way, i know i do this already. yet i find a fear in me that i have to demonstrate to the world the success of my homeschooled child. it is as if i want to say, yes, he may be painfully shy but he is working three grade levels above his age. what the heck does that matter? i want to help him to be happy and confident and able to learn what he wants and needs to learn, not to have him prove anything to the world but merely for himself. he is who he is and i am who i am. i think i know why i push myself and him into situations where i know he will be uncomfortable. i think it is because i know if the circumstances are right, he could have so much fun and learn so much. then i think, what was i doing and learning at this age? isn't he already learning tons and when he is asking for these things and i am not pushing him, then he will be ready and it will be the right circumstances. so the lesson of today is to get back to patience and to accept him and me.