nail biting

so i am thinking about this. and today luc had his hands in his mouth the whole day pretty much. i tried redirecting i tried to find something to keep his hands busy, but he was just doing a lot of thinking today, so it was just kind of chronic. so the question is, do i care? i did tell him to wash his hands, because he had been playing with the dogs. i feel like i am going to have to accept this and just let him come to me if he wants to stop. is that the best strategy. most nail biters seem to complain that the only problem they ever had with it was others judgement of it. i did always bite and pick at my nails, maybe it is genetic. maybe it is a comfort to him and that is okay? i am not sure how i feel about it, but i find it kind of hard to ignore and i juts want to pull his hands out of his mouth. so yeah, i guess it bugs me. i am not sure how to hide my feelings about it. do i need to hide my feelings about it? i am not sure.

it was my birthday the other day. here i am at thirty one years old. i like where i am. sometimes i feel like i have a mountain of patience within and i can just sit back and watch it all happen. no worries, no fears. but then there are days like today, where i am just thinking oh my god my son is going to be totally insecure and have no self esteem. he will be a complete recluse and will only think of himself. i know, i know he is four. i guess i am just in one of those impatient modes where i am not really seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. i just have to let him be who he is, yet i am supposed to guide him, right. how do i know the best way to guide him? how do i encourage him to grow in areas where he is weak and it is a struggle for him, without undermining him. i really am at a loss. i guess the only thing is to look to him to guide me to where i can help and give a little nudge here and there. i still feel like i am not doing something i should be doing.

some days i feel such a struggle within myself. i feel that i am stuck between two worlds always being pulled a little this way a little that way. i want to raise a happy successful child. yet my heart pulls me towards letting him be who he is and being patient and having faith. that is definitely where my heart leads me. but my mind cannot stop making comparisons. aargh. i have known from day one that this child is different that he has different needs than other kids. i have accepted that and yet i still find myself pushing things that i know just do not work for him. why do i do this? in some ways i guess i am hoping he is going to magically grow up and not need time and patience. why do i think this when i am still the same me that i have always been, older and wiser perhaps, but my personality has not changed. sometimes i seem to over come it with my little social tricks that i have learned and i am sure he will learn in time. i need to come back to being at peace with it. i usually do by the end of the day. i am thinking of unschooling too and letting him lead the way, i know i do this already. yet i find a fear in me that i have to demonstrate to the world the success of my homeschooled child. it is as if i want to say, yes, he may be painfully shy but he is working three grade levels above his age. what the heck does that matter? i want to help him to be happy and confident and able to learn what he wants and needs to learn, not to have him prove anything to the world but merely for himself. he is who he is and i am who i am. i think i know why i push myself and him into situations where i know he will be uncomfortable. i think it is because i know if the circumstances are right, he could have so much fun and learn so much. then i think, what was i doing and learning at this age? isn't he already learning tons and when he is asking for these things and i am not pushing him, then he will be ready and it will be the right circumstances. so the lesson of today is to get back to patience and to accept him and me.

how did i get here?

i think i know all the little steps that got me to where i am today, but do i really know how each tiny thing affected every other tiny thing? i just feel so truly lucky to be where living the life i want to live. i have the best husband in all the world. we mesh so well, and i find myself shivering a little when i think of all the ways that i could have ended up somewhere else and with someone else. i feel like i would have lost myself had things not worked out just as they did. it definitely gives me confidence that there is a higher power. someone looking out for me or perhaps some instinct that was created within me that helps me protect myself and make the right choices when the choices really matter. perhaps it was all just random chance that worked in this case and doesn't work in a hundred other cases...